January, 2007
Robert S. Blair in Charlotte Parent
Charlotte Parent
January 2007 edition
By Rob Blair
Avoid Divorce Conflict
When a marriage has to end in divorce, generally the adults involved want that end to be quick, painless and relatively peaceful, especially if they have children. But an individual alone can't make a divorce cordial-both spouses have to want an amiable split. As a family law attorney in Charlotte, I've seen that most divorces are uneventful, if unpleasant, but sometimes a separation can lead to increased volatility for a spouse and children. Here are strategies for keeping the situation calm.
Know the warning signs of conflict ahead. A key sign is a spouse with a secretive or very controlling nature. In particular, look at how you share (or don't share) information on family finances. Does your spouse control all the family accounts, and is he or she vague when you ask questions about them? Is your family's personal financial information kept at your spouse's office? Do you know if your name is on the accounts or has your name been kept off? All these situations signal possible trouble later on.
Do whatever you can to uncover your family's finances. Search for important documents on your computer or in file cabinets. If you don't already know, find out what your monthly mortgage payment is, how much you owe on your home, and how much equity you have in the home. Compile a list of all your and your spouse's retirement accounts and investments. Know where the money is going, and your attorney will be much more able to help you reach a fair settlement.
Choose a non-combative attorney. That may sound like odd advice, coming from an attorney. But I've found some attorneys make a stressful situation worse. Your attorney can be a vigorous, effective advocate for you without being the kind of person who just wants to stir things up.
But don't choose a "yes man." The best attorney for you will not agree with everything you say. You want someone who is looking out for the best interests of your children, who can consider the situation from a child's perspective and challenge parents to think of solutions that truly benefit the child.
Let your children's teachers and principal know about the separation. Limit your description to just the facts-no accusations against your spouse. Ask the teachers to look out for your children during a tough time. Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools has help available for children whose parents are going through a difficult divorce.
Allow your children to see your spouse. When partners separate without an agreement, sometimes one parent will try to gain an upper hand with custody by keeping the children from the other spouse. In general, this should not be done. Many times the decision will come back to haunt you later. It's certainly not good for your children. Do your best to work with your spouse in creating a temporary solution, working with the children's schedules, until lawyers can help resolve the issue. Do not keep children from the other parent unless they are in real danger.
If you think you're in danger, seek help. Of course, call 911 for immediate help. You can also call Victims Assistance (704/336-2543) for help and assistance.
You or your lawyer can file a domestic violence action if you are a victim of domestic violence. In Mecklenburg County, the judge will hear your complaint immediately, without your spouse being present. If the judge decides that domestic violence has occurred, the judge can arrange for your spouse to be removed from the home or even arrested. A further hearing will occur within ten days to determine whether domestic violence occurred and whether there is a need for continued protection.
Do not file this kind of complaint if it's not warranted. Some divorcing parties try to use this strategy to gain an advantage in seeking custody. But the truth normally comes out, and you will reflect badly on yourself if you try to manipulate the system by lying about your spouse.
Involve the county department of youth and family services if necessary. If you believe your children are being abused or neglected while in your spouse's care, you can notify your county's department of youth and family services. They will investigate the matter. Again, you should do this only if the situation truly warrants it, and you should always check with your attorney before doing so if possible. Using it simply to gain an advantage will normally backfire and reflect badly on you later in court.
Do not involve the children. Try as best as you can not to involve the children in your conflict with your spouse, no matter what their age. Do not coach the children about what to say in court, and do not speak derogatorily about the other parent to them. Your children will respect you later for not disparaging your spouse, even though sometimes it's hard not to do.
In the midst of separation and divorce, you can feel as if your life will never again be settled or happy. But it will. By knowing how to maintain a calm situation, you and your children can feel safe during a separation, and you help your family transition through difficult changes that much sooner.
Rob Blair is an attorney with Horack Talley in Charlotte and is a board certified specialist in family law.
704 / 377.2500